An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
