we're chasing vodka with high fives
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
