We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
