i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
organizing the empties. That sober.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
