So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
