How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize