I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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