And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
