dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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