I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
