Im at strip club and am horny
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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