If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize