im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
