i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
