Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
