maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
