He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
