Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
