I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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