my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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