I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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