If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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