i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He passed out mid-signature
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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