Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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