apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
