My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize