My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
