im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
