the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
