remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
