Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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