Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
