There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
