Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
we made out on top of his cat.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
