if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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