before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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