I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
