These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
