He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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