Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
being pregnant is like rehab
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
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