Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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