I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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