he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
we made out on top of his cat.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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