If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
