It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
