So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Randomize
