I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
okay pat passed out under dana's car
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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