Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Drake has all the answers
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
