you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
