I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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