I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
