Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
