One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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