i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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