So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I love having hate sex.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
