No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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