I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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