He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Randomize
